okay now i cant get to sleep. its fucking 1pm right now. wtf right. and nobody is online. haha. i`m the only sucker.

well i read xueying's new blog. she is true, she is correct. nobody wants things to turn up like this, as for me, i have also never ever thought that things will end up like this.

as for the account of the 1 year plus relationship between me and kelvin, we do shared love. but of what the things he did after we broke up, he's not the same person anymore. so i can say, he's fucking not worth it. but why am i so heartbreak ? just because of the happy memories and i committed.

as on the account of the 6 years friendship, we've been thru everything together, and stand by for each other too. who will bear to see this thing happen ? we have so much fun back in secondary school days. how united we were, the 6 of us, nobody can forget.

but now it happen amoung us. no its not us, its just the 2 of us. and somemore it happen for a reason because of guys, bustard. i have said before, no guys will spoil our friendship. but now, nobody will fucking understand this feeling of what i`m going thru. people will understand, unless this happens to them.

it seriously feels uncomfortable. to see ur own good friend going along with ur just broke off ex boyfriend. breaking up is pain. but seeing ur best friend going with ur ex boyfriend is double the pain. i am going thru triple. no not triple. but forever. because i just broke off, i cry. 1 month later i knew about it, i fucking cry like a dog. what can i do besides crying ? whacking ? killing ? commit suicide ?

its not i`m stopping ppl for being together. but it just hurts. it is like an example, what you're using now, is what i`ve used before. correct ? it goes to everything. for what fuck i`ve used it before and u go take it ? its not that we dont know each other. already said its 6 years friendship. dont tell me u dont feel weird ? to use something that ur good friend used before ? and going thru what i've gone thru before ? and 1 more, what if 1 day u all break up, and some random ppl asking us, hey who's your ex boyfriend ? and both of our answers is 'kelvin'. fuck you. i hate this. sharing boyfriends ? haha. yes kelvin will be proud la ? but i feel so fucking pathetic. because there is fucking so many fucking guys out there. why him ? worth it ?

and u choose this that u know will hurt this friendship. worth it ?

worth it anot ??? why dont think more abit ???

example 1 day i found 1 fucking rich fucking handsome fucking treat me like his world boyfriend, and walk pass both of you, what will u feel ? wont u feel " oh man elen already got better guys but i`m still taking over her past ". and will u think the other way round ? actually you are the one that can have better guys, and i might be the one still holding on to kelvin. right ? who knows ?

actually i wanted to hold on to this friendship. the only thing i give up is what u know ? before that i ask u do u have feel towards kelvin? you said no. i ask u to tell honestly. u still said no. and somemore u can tell me u all go out but nothing going on between u both. and the next day ? u both are together. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS ?

if you said yes earlier on, i wont feel so disappointed.

you once go thru this feeling, saying u hate to act friendly, hate to act happy. me too. i HATE it. thats why i choose not to face it.

you all can say i think alot. and u all can say i dont make sense. or u all can say i am selfish. and i know ppl sure will say me wan sympathy. whatever. I ALREADY FUCKING NO PRIDE. so many things happen, my pride has surrender. do you think i still fucking care ? because what had happen already gives me a phobia. an image that everytime i close my eyes i see it. it is a nightmare. it hurts that i forever cannot forget. and how pathetic am i to only use the happy past of me and kelvin to make myself happy ? i dont believe the word trust anymore. my life had turn upside down.

do you think saying " wish u both all the best " is easy to come out from my mouth ??

okay i`m typing this out is not against any people. and i`m not trying to say is on anybody's fault. this is the only way i type out how i feel towards you. i hope u will understand. but lastly what i have to say is, my girl, be smart, seriously.

my meaning of smart is not those meaning of what guys want, cos i already dont care. my meaning of smart is think smart of what your decision is.